Monday November 7th, 11am

So ~ I haven’t actually posted anything for a long time. In fact, I haven’t written anything for a very long time. At all. The words have been in my head, turning, refining, re~working… But nothing has come out on the page. Not just for this blog, but my PhD, my books, notes, etc. Nada.

There has been a very good reason for this ~ it has a lot to do with being stuck. Stuck in a long~term, unresolved situation, so everything that was unsaid or ignored just kept compounding. Stuck with thinking I was in a position of having to write what someone else wanted me to, rather than what I myself believed needed to be written & what I wanted to write. Push me in any direction that I don’t want to go & I simply refuse to participate anymore; someone in a position of authority & importance within the University & my supervision team was doing just that. For a very long time. And because I didn’t know about parameters of appropriate & professional behaviour within supervision, I thought that this was normal. And I knew it wasn’t working for me. I was not listened to, I was ‘punished’ for not making the individual in question ‘look good’ by sailing through everything perfectly first time through, & direct requests from me concerning my ideas & how they were to be treated or edited were coyly sidestepped as being unimportant or beyond the possible. I was made to feel that not only was every learning step a failure on my part, but that this wasn’t my PhD journey or process & I needed to create the project that I was pushed towards. Anything that the other two supervisors or myself suggested was gently, but inexorably, made to be impossible or inappropriate.

Without going into too much detail I will note one particular example of my experience: for almost 4 years I had been very clear in communicating the fact that I do not like groups, & they do not work well for me. [Many years ago I tried a group therapy approach & was scapegoated by the faciliator during a session which was humiliating & completely unprofessional. I quit the group, being quite clear about my reasons for doing so. The facilitator then had the remaining group members phone me at home & tell me how awful she felt & would I come back & try again! Later, during the Master's course, there was an experiential group component which failed dismally due to the coordinator's unwillingness to explain her non~interventive approach, & which I ~ along with other students in the group ~ felt was a very unsafe environment.] I will facilitate groups for clients, but do not enjoy participating in them & have absolutely no interest in conducting research involving them. This was ~ again ~ made very clear at the beginning of this project. Which was a year ago. And at every single fucking meeting that was attended by this individual, the notion of how perfectly a group approach would ‘fit’ my research & why don’t I do that?, was included. Groups work well for this individual, it’s a strong part of their training & (former) approach to practice. But after four years of my personal parameters being dismissed, I think anyone in my position would have done what I did…

I stopped reading, researching, feeling anything about the project at all except revulsion. And I stopped writing.

Fortunately, during this year’s orientation process, mentoring was mentioned several times. Senior persons within the University can make themselves available as mentors when appropriate. I remembered this at the point where I was quite seriously considering just dropping the entire PhD ~ & I approached someone very senior & extremely down to earth who considered my situation, then generously made themselves available to help me. With a total lack of ego & drama (what a refreshing change that is!), I received answers, help, clarification, & sensible advice. Nothing was pushed or forced on me. I was listened to. Immediately I felt physically better, & began to think that I might regain some enthusiasm for the research process. One of the best parts of this mentoring for me personally has been that I do not have to interact with the individual in question anymore ~ apparently changes may be made to a supervision panel without the direct involvement of the research student. I was, in fact, told that it was an option that was recommended. I knew that the conversation of ending the “supervision” relationship would be a fraught one, where I would have to justify all my actions & work very hard to make the individual in question feel better. I would be expected to take care of them, when in fact I really just want to make sure that I am fine. I have been assured by my mentor that things have been done that are not ethical, appropriate, or professional by the individual concerned, & that none of this is my concern. I am entitled to have supervision that works well for me, & that supports my project. I’m in a happy position of having two people remaining on my panel ~ the number actually required for a PhD process ~ so I do not need to recruit any more.

One of the things that I know I need to work harder on for myself is communicating my needs and wishes earlier rather than later. This is always tricksy when there is a power dynamic (student/teacher, for example), & I realise that I could not have done anything any differently. But I like to think that next time I will speak up sooner, & receive positive & appropriate support, in a more timely fashion. This upcoming year, I will be better at listening to myself, & ensuring that I am listened to.